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Savage Love

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:31:11 +0000

University of Alaska Anchorage

by Dan Savage

I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live—a rapid-fire, slightly tipsy Q&A session—at the University of Alaska Anchorage. It was my third visit to UAA and it was a blast. All of the questions in this week’s column were submitted to me by UAA students and staffers.

Should I go ahead and divorce my fantastic wife of 23 years now because gay marriage is going to destroy it eventually anyway? —Tony From Wasilla

You might as well do it now, TFW, if only to beat the rush. Just in the last couple of weeks, the 9th Circuit ruled that California’s Prop 8 is unconstitutional, the governor of Washington State signed marriage equality into law, and marriage equality campaigns made huge strides in Maryland and Maine. Pretty soon, all the lawyers who specialize in „traditional divorce” are going to be booked solid as traditional marriages buckle under the strain of all of this equality nonsense. Wait too long to get divorced, TFW, and you may not be able to get divorced at all. Find a lawyer now!

I am with a girl who is a female ejaculator. It’s pretty cool, but the quantity of ejaculate is way too much. Am I getting peed on here? —Tidal Wave

You’re not getting peed on. (Science says: female ejaculate ≠ urine.) But don’t take my word for it, TW: Ask your girlfriend to piss on you sometime, and see if you can’t tell the difference.

My friend is a lesbian but recently started dating a gay man. They seem really happy. What does that make them? They were both really active in the LGBT community before getting together. —Confused Straight Ally

You see that „B” in LGBT, CSA? It stands for „bisexual,” and it’s there for a reason. Your friend may have been B all along, or perhaps she’s just B for this one particular guy, and he’s B for her, but there’s really nothing to be confused about, and your friends can and should remain active in the LGBT community.

I know about your „price of admission” theory. What else do you have to offer by way of advice for a healthy, lasting relationship? —Annoyed With Him

Selective, self-induced short- and long-term memory loss.

You have to learn to shrug off minor and sometimes not-so-minor annoyances—maybe even a betrayal or two over the decades—because an ability to forgive and truly forget is necessary for the survival of any long-term relationship. If you’re having a hard time getting there, AWH, speak to your doctor about medical marijuana.

I’m a lesbian, and my friend who is a bi male keeps asking me to peg him. How should I deal with this? —Not Into Boys

If it doesn’t bother you, NIB, laugh it off. If it does bother you, slap him down.

How do you tell a more-than-a-friend that his hygiene is an issue? —The New Girlfriend

„Hey, big boy, you stink. Jump in the shower—there’s a blowjob in it for you.”

Advice for beginning buttsexers? We’re having trouble getting started. —Hole New World

Start with rimming, during or immediately after a shower, move on to fingers, small toys, and finally dick. Take your time! Work up to buttsex over a week or two, HNW, not in a single evening. Lots of lube, penetration should be slow and very controlled, breathe, medical marijuana.

I can’t brag to my friends, but I need to brag publicly and anonymously: I had a threesome for the first time, and it was AWESOME. Highly recommended! —Fun Unicorn Completes Kinksters

Another perceived-to-be-monogamous couple that actually isn’t monogamous! Welcome to the monogamish club, FUCK!

My husband wants to be spanked. This is beyond my comfort zone. What can I do to get over this apprehension? Practice on the dogs and cats? —Can’t Go There

A woman who spanks her dogs and cats goes to actual jail, CGT, but a woman who spanks her husband goes to GGG heaven. But if you simply can’t get over your apprehension, outsource those spankings to your friendly local professional dominant.

My best guy friend had sex with me. Does that mean he loves me? —Holding Out Hope

Don’t be ridiculous, HOH. People have sex with people they don’t love all the time. It isn’t proof that your guy friend doesn’t love you, of course, but it’s not proof that he does.

I recently broke off a relationship after my female partner demanded that I get a circumcision. I told her I would get one if she did. She told me I was a sexist asshole. I don’t see where she gets off asking me to mutilate myself if she won’t. Am I wrong? —Uncut About Anchorage

You weren’t wrong to refuse to cut yourself for her, UAA, but you were wrong to equate „female circumcision” with male circumcision. A woman who’s been „circumcised”—a woman who has been subjected to genital mutilation—has had her clit cut off. The male equivalent would be the removal of the head of the cock, not the foreskin.

With all the stress of jobs, relationships, kids, etc., what’s your advice for romance and great sex when you’re overwhelmed by life? —Jack And Jill

My advice is to give up on great sex. Not forever, JAJ, but for now. Make time for some good-not-great, low-stakes, low-pressure, undemanding mutual masturbation sessions. Lie down together and get off while dirty talking about the truly great marathon sex sessions you’re gonna have once your stress levels drop. Then do it!

You have heard that an ordinance to protect LGBT people from being evicted or fired will be up for a vote in Anchorage soon. Well, I am a bi woman in a het relationship who works in an office where the environment is akin to the Fellowship of the Bros. Recently, I attended a pride event where a coworker saw me act in a very non-hetero way. I’m afraid this person will out me and I will be harassed at best and fired at worst. What can I do? —Unsafe At Work

Not much, sadly. LGBT people are not protected under the City of Anchorage’s antidiscrimination statutes. There have been three attempts to add protections for LGBT people to the law; all three failed after „Christian” activists protested, lied, demagogued, bullied mayors, and lied some more.

One Anchorage—a coalition of progressive organizations—gathered enough signatures to put a equal rights initiative on the ballot in Anchorage. The vote is April 3, and passing Proposition 5 will make it illegal to discriminate against LGBT people in housing, public accommodation, employment, and credit.

HEY, LGBT SUPPORTERS: We scored some big victories in the last two weeks. But as we race toward marriage equality in California, Washington State, Maryland, and New Jersey (don’t be such a fucking coward, Christie!), we should remember that there are LGBT people living in cities, counties, and states without any civil rights protections for queers. I hate to guilt folks into making political donations two weeks in a row—last week, Planned Parenthood, this week, One Anchorage—but One Anchorage could use our help. The haters are planning a big advertising campaign to block equality for LGBT people in Anchorage. One Anchorage needs to get on the air and counter the hate and lies. Donate here: www.oneanchorage.com.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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Savage Love

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:31:10 +0000

The Sub’s Paradox

by Dan Savage

I am a 25-year-old gay man. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality and never really felt bad about it, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I’m exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, online groups, and websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by „straight” men. Some people write extensively about how all gay rights should be rolled back.

I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by content that shows supposedly straight men degrading gay men. I always come away feeling disturbed, insecure, and unhappy. But when I’m horny, I go right back. The worst feeling comes from knowing that a lot of those people don’t seem to recognize it as just a fantasy, but instead believe in the homophobic views they express.

I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn, as it never seemed to be related to homophobia at all. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing, as people don’t seem to be „just playing” and it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate ideology. Is it okay for me to just view this as another harmless fantasy or is this something I need to control or get help dealing with? Secondly, are the people who contribute, participate in, and produce such gay-bashing sexualized content just indulging in a version of acceptable BDSM/kink or is it dangerous to use a prevalent hate ideology in sex play?

Not An Inferior Faggot

P.S. Examples of these websites: faggot4ever.tumblr.com, obeythestraightman.tumblr.com, and tribes.tribe.net/qssm.

You’re not inferior, NAIF, and you’re not alone.

In fact, you have lots of horny soul mates out there—think of strong feminist women with rape fantasies, think of faithful Jews with Nazi fetishes, think of empowered African Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by those vaguely threatening male archetypes. I mean, come on: All those cliché gay male sex symbols—truckers, skinheads, marines, cops, firemen, gangbangers—don’t exactly represent the kinds of people or professions that have historically been associated with tolerance.

A person can safely explore degrading fantasies—even fantasies rooted in „hate ideology”—so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically, you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. (And, just as importantly, between your fantasies and your politics.) Once you do that, NAIF, you’ll be able to enjoy your „straight men abusing fags” fantasies without feeling devastated immediately after you come. In fact, successfully building that firewall and then enjoying your fantasies without shame can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered for having these fantasies in the first place. Call it the sub’s paradox: A D/s sub who can enjoy his fantasies without being shredded by them is in control, not being controlled—regardless of how things might appear to a casual or misinformed observer.

But it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to build that firewall yet, NAIF, due to feelings of shame rooted in a perceived disconnect between the person you know yourself to be—a proud gay man—and the scenarios that make your dick hard. But there is no disconnect, NAIF. You don’t really hate yourself any more than the feminist with rape fantasies really wants to be raped or the Jewish guy with Nazi fantasies really believes that Germans are the master race. (Could a people who routinely wear sandals with socks be the master race? No, they could not.) It might help if you reminded yourself of that before, during, and after you rub one out—it also might help if a sex-positive counselor reminded you of that during some regular sessions over a period of months.

You know what else might help? Finding a nice, out, proud gay man who gets off on this shit, too, NAIF, a guy who wants to explore these degradation fantasies with you in real time—safely, respectfully, and consensually. Cuddling after a hot, crazy, kinky D/s sex session with the „straight” guy who five minutes ago was „degrading” you for being a „worthless faggot”—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee—would go a long way toward helping you see your fantasies as something that brought intimacy, companionship, and connection into your life, instead of self-loathing and self-recrimination.

But don’t start exploring your fantasies with a boyfriend until that firewall is well under construction, NAIF, okay?

Three months ago, I started a fuck-buddy relationship with an old friend. As we are both not seeking a serious romance, I thought it would be a good idea. My assumption was that the relationship was „open.” But when I asked him how he’d feel about me dating another guy, he got defensive and said that if I fucked other guys, he would „never” sleep with me again. I asked him if he was sleeping with other girls, and he said no. I don’t know whether to be happy (he likes me enough to be monogamous) or freaked (at his leotarded communication style). I do have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great. Any advice would be helpful.

Confused Canadian Chick

I would advise you to have a convo about upgrading your frequent-fucker cards from fuck-buds silver to boyfriend/girlfriend gold. The latter designation gets closer to the facts on the ground: You have feelings for him, he has feelings for you (however poorly articulated), the sex is great, the relationship is exclusive. You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.

I’m a straight male in a committed live-in relationship. My girlfriend and I have sex once a week, usually on Saturday mornings. During the week, she is either too tired or too full after dinner. She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she’s ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep. She asks me on a daily basis if I’ve masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them. I resent feeling interrogated and guilt-tripped over this. When I do masturbate, I always clean up after myself and I’m doing it before she gets home or after she’s gone to bed. So, again, why the guilt?

Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally

I don’t know who’s crazier, your controlling, psychotic, hand-sniffing girlfriend, BOMBAST, or you, for sticking around and putting up with this bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with having a low libido; it’s not a crime to want sex only once a week. But terrorizing a higher-libido partner about whether or not he is making ends meet by masturbating now and then—and demanding to smell his hands!—is borderline abusive behavior. DTMFA, BOMBAST, and be so kind as to pass this bit of advice on to your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend: If you want a companion animal you can castrate, lady, get a dog. Not a boyfriend, not a husband. A dog.

mail@savagelove.net

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He micromanages her eating. She wants to stick a fork in his eye.

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:30:43 +0000

Yet Another Chance for You to Solve Someone Else’s Problem

When I asked about your most vexing marital problems, a reader wrote this:

My hubby wanted to “just give me ideas” on how to change my eating habits and how I handle our dog. I wanted to hear none of it. Instead of listening to his suggestions, I mentally punched him in the face and promptly started crying out of frustration. I felt so helpless. I know lack of proper communication and an inability to express my feeling are problems for me. I don’t know why I react so strongly to certain behaviors of his. I don’t know why I can’t stand his need to meddle with my personal choices and correct all my ways of doing things. Help!

I hear stories like this from many people who are trying to get at the source of their anger. They tell me things like, “Maybe I got mad because my mother did x to me when I was three years old” and “I don’t like this because not liking this runs in my family” and all sorts of things like that. In reality, it doesn’t matter *why* you feel the way you do. It’s the obsessing over the why that is getting in your way of expressing how you feel. All feelings are valid–even the ugly ones we wish we didn’t have. Own your resentment. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just an emotion, nothing more. It’s not your identity, and it’s not a permanent state of mind. The good thing about the urge to stick a fork in someone’s eye is this: the urge always passes. Just remove yourself from the kitchen until it does. Say something short and to the point like, “Wow, I’m seriously angry right now. For your benefit, I’m leaving the room.” End of talking.

Then while you are by yourself, explore your anger by:

* Running over the conversation in your mind. Do a play by play. When precisely did you tense up with rage? What was it that he said or did that led to it? This is important information for you to communicate to him.

* Sitting with your angry mind. See the anger like clouds and your mind as the clear blue sky behind them. Let the anger pass, just like a rain storm. Tell yourself, “This is temporary discomfort. I won’t die from this. It will go away. Like a thunderstorm, I just need to wait it out.”

* Exchanging yourself with your spouse. Take your ego and put it inside his body. See yourself from his perspective. What would motivate him to say what he said? Why does he behave the way he does? Is it really just to annoy you? Or might it be that he’s actually trying to be helpful?

Then once you have some answers and are calm, talk about it. If you don’t think you can talk verbally, then write it down or text it to him. You might say, “Like a wild horse, I don’t like being controlled. I like to learn things the hard way. I really do. Can you accept that about me?” See what he says. Then make a simple request, “It would make me so happy if you tried not to tell me how to eat or how to train the dog.”

Readers: Have you ever dealt with an issue like this? If so, how did you resolve it? Do you have any advice for this reader? What would you do?

No related posts.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

The Night that Everything Went to Crap

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:30:16 +0000

Oh, and Mom: Can You Visit This Weekend? And Bring Your Steam Cleaner?

Last night, I woke around 2 am to a scratching sound. I got out of bed to investigate. It was coming from my daughter’s room. That’s where the puppy sleeps.

I opened the door and was greeted by the sickening smell of poop. I turned on the light. The puppy had been busy. Not only had she pooped, she’d also chewed many different things. I wasn’t sure what all of the things actually where. They were there in tiny little bits, all over the carpet, along with brown footprints.

In a sarcastic word, “Lovely.”

I leashed her up, hooked her to something in the kitchen, and yelled to my husband for help. He rose and walked toward me. I could tell he wasn’t really awake. I said, “She pooped in there. I’m taking her outside to see if she needs to go more.” He replied, “What do you want me to do?”

It seemed obvious to me what I wanted him to do. It’s also something that would have been obvious to him, I’m sure, had he actually been awake. I said, “There is poop in there. I don’t know where, but I can smell it. Please find it.”

I took the dog out. She peed. I crated her. Then I walked back to our daughter’s room. There my husband was standing in a daze.

“I don’t know. I think she ate the poop. I cleaned up what I could find.” Then he turned and went right back to bed.

The only person capable of sleeping more deeply than my husband is my daughter. I turned on her light and said multiple curse words not-so-much under my breath as I went to work cleaning up the various chewed bits and pieces. I found what looked like a pencil, chewed into 9000 little bits. Also a pen, in similar condition. Then a pair of plastic Dracula teeth in about 18 small fragments.

It was the same with her blow up plastic diaper baby. How fitting.

Oddly, I became serene about it. As the saying goes, shit happens, in this case, quite literally. Now I was making order out of puppy chaos. It was rather comforting in an odd I-hope-I-don’t-have-to-experience-it-again way.

I went back to bed and mumbled something about the puppy being lucky if she lives through this. My husband asked what I was mumbling about. I said that the lead from the pencil would probably do her in. I will admit that I secretly was hoping for this outcome. Please don’t tell the puppy.

My husband told me that pencils are no longer made from lead. Who knew?

I tossed and turned and eventually fell asleep and dreamed that my daughter’s fish tank had sprung a leak, filling her bedroom floor with two inches of algae infested water along with a few very large goldfish and a turtle—none of which we own in real life. We only own two tiny little fish, and they are housed in a tank that doesn’t have enough water to sink her entire bedroom like that. It was a dream after all. I think there was a frog in that dream somewhere, too.

Around 6 am, I could hear the puppy barking from her crate. I ignored her. I’d already been up at 2 am. It was almost time for my husband to get up. I pretended to sleep.

He got up, yelled at her, and went back to bed.

He did this twice.

She kept barking.

Then he got up and I heard the back door open. Finally.

I rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep.

“Can you help me?” I heard him ask.

“What do you need?” I asked. Isn’t it odd how role reversals can take place so quickly?

I learned that the puppy had pooped in her crate. He’d put her in a different crate while he’d cleaned up the poop in the first one. She pooped in the second crate, too. While extricating her from the second crate, she’d then pooped on the floor.

It was a situation.

While he hauled the crates outdoors and hosed them off, I washed the puppy. Then I tied her up outside. And then I did things to our carpeting that I’d rather not think about again. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about them either.

Let’s just say that this carpeting might never quite be the same again, not even with the help of Nature’s Miracle.

As I stood and looked at all of the various stains on the carpeting, I started to laugh.

This really was my karma.

We recently replaced the broken dishwasher – the one I wrote about a while back that had leaked through the floor and into the basement and caused the mother of mold problems. Right after doing so, the hot water heater broke and leaked water all through the basement. This happened on the same day the waterbed sprung a leak. It also happened only days after I learned that our house appraised for $30,000 less than our current mortgage. Guess who isn’t refinancing?

And that happened a day or so after the puppy chewed a hole through some of the carpeting.

Oh and did I mention that she also chewed the cable for my computer in two and that I almost electrocuted myself trying to repair it?

And that my cable modem broke during the same incident?

We replaced the water heater only for the check engine light to go on in my car. My husband told me to ignore it. I told him I would. Now every time I turn the key in the ignition, I pray.

My kid rode her bike into the rear bumper of someone’s parked car the other day, too. Thankfully the car owner was more concerned about my kid’s welfare than the welfare of his car.

And then, as you now know, the puppy got sick.

I’m sure this isn’t over. There’s more to come. I’m sure if it.

But right now the puppy is sleeping, the house no longer smells, and my fridge still sort of works. The TV still seems to work most of the time, too. Not everyone has a working TV along with a sort-of working refrigerator, especially not one with food inside.

So I’m fortunate. There are people who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. Compared to them, I’m blessed. I tell myself this everyday.

And, most of the time, I believe it.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

5 Ways Not to Solve Your Marital Problems

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:29:46 +0000

1. Try to Figure Out Who’s Right

Many people tell me about a marriage problem and then they ask, “Do you think I’m right?” I often answer, “It doesn’t matter.”

That’s because, for the vast majority of marital arguments, you’re both right. You have legitimate wants and needs – wants and needs that conflict with your partner’s wants and needs and vice versa. Let’s say, for instance, that one of you wants to ride his bike while the other wants to take a nap. Yet you have a kid who needs a parent. That means one of you isn’t going to get to do what you want to do. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong. Compromise and walking a mile in each other’s shoes is what’s in order.

2. Pretend You Don’t Have a Problem

This might work if you are arguing because you are both tired and grumpy. In that case, a good night’s sleep just might solve your problem. In all other cases, however, the problem will just grow over time. Talk about what’s wrong. Then hash out possible solutions until you find one you are both willing to try.

3. Blame the Problem on Your Spouse

The longer you blame, the longer your spouse will dig in and stand his or her ground. Think about how you feel when someone blames you for a problem. Do you back down? Probably not. You become indignant, right? That’s exactly how your spouse will react. It doesn’t matter if it’s really your spouse’s fault. See if you can find a way to talk about the problem without pointing fingers. For instance, just today, my husband came home at 12:45 and said, “Hey are we having sex?” We usually do pull off a nooner on Wednesdays, but he’d left this morning without telling me his schedule. I didn’t know if he was coming home or not, so I hadn’t bothered to get ready. At 12:45 I had not yet showered or even eaten lunch, and I wasn’t exactly emotionally up for it, either. My mind was completely focused on my work. He needed to leave by 1:30 pm to pick up our daughter. Just the idea of only having 45 minutes to pull it all off stressed me out.

So I said, “I’m sorry, this is too rushed and stressful for me. I didn’t realize you would be coming home. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. I’m not ready and I don’t think I can get ready by the time you have to leave. Maybe next time you can tell me your schedule before you leave in the morning. That way I’ll know what to expect.” And then I made a joke about communication. In that way, I stated the problem without blaming him for it. After all, in many ways, we were both to blame. He hadn’t communicated and I wasn’t able to drop everything when asked.

4. Fixate on your Feelings

Yes, it’s important to talk about your feelings, especially if you are hurt. But the longer you go on about how hurt, disappointed or angry you feel, the longer you delay solving the problem. A good rule of thumb: Voice your feelings in just one or two sentences. Check to see if your spouse acknowledges them. If your spouse does, then move on to finding a solution. If not ask, “What don’t you understand about me feeling angry?”

5. Refuse to Own Your Anger

While your spouse might do or say something that triggers your anger, only you can manage it. Comments like, “Look how angry you made me,” don’t get you closer to a solution. Try to separate the facts of the problem from the emotions that surround it. You solve anger, for instance, by relaxing, meditating, exercising, or something else. You can do all of those activities without your spouse. You solve your marital problem, on the other hand, together, after you’ve done what you needed to do to calm yourself down.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

The Wisdom of Dog #1

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:29:11 +0000

In my study of Buddhism, I am learning to use everything in life as a lesson that helps me grow in patience, generosity, love, understanding and more. Called “Lojong Training,” these lessons allow me to transform hardship — a broken water heater, a leaking water bed, a home appraisal that is much lower than expected–into a life lesson that allows me to grow into a better person. I find that I learn many of these lessons from my dogs, especially Macy, a bulldog beagle mix who seems to constantly test me. Periodically I’ll include a photo with a caption of what I think Macy or my other dog, Rhodes, are trying to teach me. This is the first installment.

The Bliss of Shredded Carpeting

“You are angry because you at attached to things as they are. Once you understand impermanence, the sudden disappearance of carpeting will not anger you so much. Nothing lasts, got it? This carpet was destined to be a goner. That was its nature."

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How You Can Help This Reader and Earn Big Karma

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:28:36 +0000

Plus Three Readers Who Will Soon Be $50 Richer

Last week I asked you to tell me what you would do with $50. I loved reading your responses. One response, however, really jumped out. It was from Kristen, who said she’d use it to restock her bookshelf with every classic.

She wrote, “I used to have quite the library, and I loved those classics. A year ago though, I sold them in order to afford a nice birthday present for my ex. At the time, I was a full time college student and that really was the only way to get the extra money for it. I don’t regret the gift, as he still uses it and I still wish him a happy life despite everything. I just…miss the stories sometimes.”

Her comment resonated for several reasons. First, I’m a book lover. So I get it. Though I often donate books to the library once I finish them, I have a bunch that I just can’t part with. Those books got me through some hard times. They were an escape when I needed one. Some got me to cry—finally—when those tears were pent up and hard to get out. Others lightened me up and made me laugh. Whenever I look at them, I remember how I felt as I read them. They are precious.

Second, I’m also an author and writer who is trying to make a living in a shrinking industry. That means I love anyone who loves books because the love of books is what keeps me employed.

Finally, I thought of a certain person in my life (and she knows who she is) who is often telling me that she needs help downsizing her various possessions. She happens to own many classics. It occurred to me that she might like the idea of gifting them to someone else who will promise to love them for life.

It also occurred to me that I might have several such readers.

So I wrote to Kristen and I asked her to tell me about the twenty classics that she misses the most. What follows is a list of those books along with Kristen’s comments about each. I don’t know about you, but I want Kristen to have all of these classics and more. Please look over her list and think about gifting one of these titles to Kristen, along with any other of your favorite classics than she may not have mentioned. Comment here about which book or books you plan to send her and why. That way others can see what has already been sent Kristen’s way so they can avoid sending duplicates. Remember: if you are reading this via email, click through to the post on the web to leave a comment.

Send books—used or new–to this address:

Kris Whitmire

155 Allen Drive Apt. 2

Lumberton, Texas 77657

Classics Kristen Wants and Why

Aeneid- Virgil

If you’re going to have the Odyssey and the Iliad in your collection, you need to have the Aeneid. I didn’t get to read this until about a year ago and the only thing I regret is that I didn’t do so sooner. Virgil does an amazing job of carrying on the story, taking it from the surviving Trojans all the way to Caesar. The story just isn’t complete without it.

Odyssey- Homer

I didn’t get to read this until college, when I was on my own little odyssey and got the most out of it. To be closer to where my then fiancé lived, I’d moved five hours away from everything and just about everyone I’d ever known. This book happened to be the first thing on my college reading list.

Iliad- Homer

You can’t have a full collection of the classics without the tale of Troy. You just can’t. I cut my teeth on a watered down version of the story in a collection of myths when I was young before finding a full copy later on. It got my love of mythology started.

Metamorphoses- Ovid

I first tried to read in this in 6th grade. It didn’t really work out that well. In fact, it was the only book in that library that I ever actually gave up on. The thought of that irked me for five years, till I finally saw a copy at the local bookstore. I never did regret that buy. Finally old enough to really grasp it, it became one of the most read books on in my library.

Brave New World- Aldous Huxley

While the story is amazing on its own, the ideas behind it are what truly grabbed me. It’s the lesson that kept it on my shelf. A reminder not to go into excess, and that being blissfully ignorant doesn’t bring happiness.

The Count of Monte Cristo- Alexandre Dumas Pere

This is the perfect tale of revenge gone right. When some people listened to angry music, I pulled out this. It gave me a thrill to see his enemies go down in flames, but it also reminded me not to let anger get in the way of living my life.

Frankenstein- Mary Shelley

I grew up with a healthy appreciation of horror stories from my mother. As far as she was concerned, the bloodier they were the better. So, it’s not really a surprise that I love this book so much.

Nineteen Eighty-Four- George Orwell

As haunting as it is well written, this was always a favorite for me. In much the same way as Brave New World, the dystopian society theme made me think about how things could be, and the things we take for granted today.

Jane Erye- Charlotte Bronte

I’m of a firm belief that everyone should read this at least once. The first time I read this was in 4th grade, and it’s stuck as one of my top ten since. I love how Jane, through all the hardship she faces, never needs to be rescued. She inspired me to stand up for myself as a girl, and that a situation was only as good as you made it.

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall- Anne Bronte

I suppose I love this story for the same reason many do: Helen. She’s easily my favorite character in the book because of her strength of will and the courage to do what is right for her son. Her story came in to my life at the same time as Jane Eyre’s and Elizabeth Bennett’s. The three became the role models I needed at that time in my life, and

I will always be forever grateful to their writers for that.

Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen

Is there any avid reader out there that doesn’t have a place in their heart for Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy? Well, yeah, I’ve actually met a few who hated this story and there’s nothing wrong with that. I adore it though. The characters are lively and all vastly different, the scenes are described in detail. It’s one of the easiest things in the world for me to curl up on a couch with this in my lap and spend the next four or five hours reading.

Persuasion- Jane Austen

While I love Austen’s other works, it’s hard not to be impressed with the differences in the characters as compared to her previous works. While Anne held some of the less liked qualities of Mr. Darcy, she still kept me turning the pages and cheering for her.

Great Tales and Poems by Edgar Allan Poe

Loving Frankenstein and Dracula, it’s not a wonder that Poe’s work appeals to me. He enamored me with such stories as the Tell Tale Heart and the Masque of the Red Death, but his more humorous works found a reader in me as well. The Devil in the Belfry was particularly funny to me.

Northanger Abbey- Jane Austen

This was truly a gem to me. Growing up with horror, to find a successful satire of it was just amazing to me. It wasn’t till college that I got my hands on it, but it provided a laugh on some particularly bad days.

The Divine Comedy- Dante Alighieri

I’ve always had a soft spot for this book, as hard as it is to read at parts. Dante’s journey was intriguing though, and the faces that show up made this book a favorite of mine. I’d find myself reading about some such historical figure in class, and coming back to see just where exactly they ended up.

Vanity Fair- William Makepeace Thackeray

I’ve never read a book so successful at making you dislike the main character. I’d venture to say that I even hated Becky Sharp at times. The story went on though, and drew you in. I found myself wanting her to succeed despite myself, and cheering when Dobbin finally married Amelia.

Les Miserables- Victor Hugo

I originally saw the 1935 film of this, before reading the book. It didn’t take me long to fall in love with the story and go out to find my own copy. It’s the perfect tale of how people can change, that good people can have sordid pasts. I think the reason I love it so much though is because it taught me not to judge.

Dr. Faustus- Christopher Marlowe

As Les Miserables taught me that people can turn around after doing horrible things, Faust taught me that there are people that, upon doing something they deem unforgivable, drive themselves into the darkest corner they can. Like the two above dystopian novels, I’ve re-read it over and over again in order to better understand this.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream- Shakespeare

I’ve read this since I was a child, after finding a copy at a garage sale. It’s become my absolute favorite play by Shakespeare. Each of the three interwoven plots captivated me from a young age, but none so much as the four young Athenians in the woods. Well, all right, Titania and Bottom ranked pretty high up there too.

The Wasteland and Other Poems- T.S. Eliot

I don’t know of any particular reason why I love these poems as much as I do. There was no great point in my life where they came in and provided a lesson like the others. They offered me no solace. Despite that, I’ve never been able to go long without reading segments. Even without a copy of my own now, I still drive up to the local library once a month for the sheer purpose of looking through theirs.

Readers: Please make me proud. Let’s stock this library, okay? Let the book karma begin!

Now For The Readers Who Are Getting Richer: Forty-seven people commented on the All the Money in the World post. I used Random.org to pick three winners. They are: Alexandra, Susan, and Maria. Congrats, and I’ll be in touch with all of you by email to find out where to send your $50 gift cards.

Bummed that you didn’t win? Each month I award a $50 gift card to one reader who comments frequently, so there are many chances to win.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

She craves a talker, but he remains mute.

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:28:08 +0000

Please help this reader to get her husband to open up.

When I asked about your most vexing problems, Pat commented:

My biggest struggle is that I feel like I have to pull teeth to get my husband to talk to me about anything. I can talk to him non stop, but he doesn’t always participate in the conversation. He will come home from work and tell me about the stresses of his day, but he leaves out important details and events. Like when his boss, who made his life miserable, left the company, my husband didn’t bother to tell me. I have tried different times of days, waiting until he has had some downtime, trying to talk over dinner, nothing helps. I have given up because I don’t know how to reach him. Obviously communication was never something that was a part of his life growing up.

Readers: Can you help? Have you solved a problem like this before? Or is there anyone out there who can see this from the husband’s perspective? How can Pat overcome this problem? What should she do?

My contribution is one of perspective. My father grew up on a 1200 acre farm in the middle of nowhere and was raised by parents whose religious beliefs looked down on idle chatter. When I visit my relatives in that part of the country, everyone sits in a room together. Someone talks about the weather, specifically the last time it rained and where it rained. Remember: these are farmers, and this is dry country. Rain is precious. It’s business. It’s not idle chatter. After the weather has been thoroughly studied and contemplated, there’s silence. Occasionally someone will ask someone else how some distant relative is doing. But mostly, there’s silence. Then after some time has passed, every one will stand up and say, “Now that was a nice visit.”

As you might imagine, after such an upbringing, my father isn’t exactly an engaging conversationalist. I’m hoping that my mother will read this post and comment. She’s come to some realizations about him over the years that I believe you might find enlightening.

From my perspective, I can tell you that I lived with my grandparents one summer. Initially the silence unnerved me, so I attempted to fill it in with conversation. I just kept talking and talking, mostly out of nervousness. Over the years, however, I grew to appreciate it and understand that people really can connect without actually having a conversation. While I’m not suggesting that you give up on conversations, I am suggesting that you think about nonverbal ways you can both connect. For instance, what if, after dinner every evening, you both sat quietly and watched the sunset? What if, every morning, you sat side-by-side and read the paper together? I’m also suggesting that you notice your husband’s strengths. Quiet people tend to be very calming. They often are able to bring an aura of peace into a room. They are rocks, and they are good listeners. They might not tell you about their problems, but you can usually tell them about yours. Don’t expect them to solve the problem for you. Don’t expect them to get worked up and carry a torch about your the problem. But you can at least know that they probably won’t interrupt or change the subject on you. How many people in your life can you count on to just listen without changing the subject? Probably not too many.

But you want him to talk. I get that. Here are two strategies that I’ve used with my husband:

Ask him the right questions. My husband can talk about car racing and single-track bike trails all day long. He’s not so adept at talking about interpersonal relationships. Like your husband, my husband often forgets to tell me about the latest gossip. It just doesn’t strike him as important.
Talk during an activity. I have very little interest in car racing, but I recently watched a NASCAR race with my husband and one of his buddies. It happened to be one of the more exciting races with a huge crash and explosion that almost did in the track. At any rate, we had a wonderful conversation that evening, especially about the ugly ties that the announcers all seemed to be wearing. Try out an activity with him, especially something that he’s interested in.

That’s all I’ve got. I’m hoping many readers here will offer much more. Readers? Your turn!

Note: You still have time to comment on the All the Money in the World post and get in the running for one of three $50 gift cards. I’ll announce the winners Thursday.

No related posts.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Have All the Money In the World

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:27:24 +0000

A Book Review Of Sorts

Recently some of my friends were revealing their fantasies. One admitted that, in her mind, she sometimes marries a wealthy man who pays all her bills and takes her on trips around the world.

We all chimed in about how nice that would be. Then, perhaps to make ourselves feel better, the conversation turned to a belief that rich people are no happier than the poor. If anything, we all said, they are more tortured.

And soon we were all talking about various rich people we knew who were miserable.

I’m sure you’ve had a similar conversation at some point in your life.

At any rate, I find it all very interesting to think about. Does money really lead to happiness? Or does it merely lead to more anxiety? And what exactly is “rich” to begin with? To someone in a third world country who eats only three meals a week, every single person reading this blog is rich. Yet I’m guessing that 99 percent of the people who read this blog don’t think of themselves as rich. When they hear the word “rich,” they think of someone else—someone with a bigger house, more expensive car, and niftier doodads.

Buddhists tell me that the more worldly possessions you have, the more you have to worry about. This thinking goes like this: If you don’t have a house, then you have just one problem: no house. Once you own a house, then you have several problems: the fear of losing your house, the fear of someone breaking into your house, the fear of your house burning down, the fear of appliances breaking, the fear of your roof leaking, the fear of or tornado, the fear of your house not being clean enough, and the fear of frozen cheese. (More later on frozen cheese.)

In general, I believe this.

That’s why, whenever my daughter tells me that she must have a certain toy in order to be happy, my response is, “Getting what you want won’t make you happy. The only way to be happy is to not want anything.”

She often rolls her eyes when I say that.

Still, even though I believe that letting go and not wanting are the true keys to happiness, I will admit that I, too, carry around a wealth fantasy. For mine, one of my books sells millions of copies. With the windfall, I pay off my house, buy a new refrigerator, pay someone to landscape our yard, travel around the world with my daughter every summer, buy many pairs of new socks (all of mine have holes in them at the moment), and get a massage every week. I’d give away a lot of it to various people and charities, too. And, I’d also do something to leave a lasting good mark on the world. Like, for instance, I’d build and run a state-of-the-art dog shelter.

It makes me wonder: if money doesn’t buy happiness, why do so many people have get-rich fantasies?

It’s for this reason that I found Laura Vanderkam’s new book All the Money in the World such a fascinating read. In it, Vanderkam uses statistics, psychology, science and logic to turn many of our dear beliefs about money upside down. For instance, in the beginning of the book, she challenges that we all have more money than we think we do. Problem is, we’re earning it and spending it in ways that don’t necessarily lead to happiness.

Keeping up with the Joneses, wearing expensive jewelry and buying bigger and bigger houses don’t lead to happiness, she says.

What does? Experiences and giving.

I don’t think too many of you will argue with me on this. I think most of us know, at least on some level, that material items are empty. Houses, cars, designer handbags, and topiary don’t make us happy, at least not for long. Most of life’s most blissful moments arise from the simple pleasure of doing something we love with people we love. The rest of the blissful moments tend to arise when we’ve helped someone else find happiness.

And yet it’s not that simple, is it?

That’s why I asked Laura a few questions.

Q: The Buddhists tell me that money, especially the strong attachment to it, leads to unhappiness. Have you found this philosophy to be true?

Laura: I think it depends. Sometimes money causes more problems, but sometimes a lack of money can cause the exact same problem multiplier, just in reverse. Not having a car means you can’t take a better job farther away. Not taking that job means you can’t get out of debt, so money that could go to signing your kids up for camp is going to interest. I think problems are universal. The human condition is not to live in a state of bliss, but the problems that come from more money are generally preferable to those that come from less.

Q: I was fascinated by your section about giving–and particularly that giving away money is one of the few ways that money truly leads to happiness. So let’s say I have a windfall of $3,000. Are you saying that I’ll feel happier if I give some or most of it to others than I will be if I buy a top of the line refrigerator that has an ice cube maker that actually works and a meat compartment that doesn’t freeze the cheese? (Just in case it’s not clear, my current ice maker is broken and the only cheese to be had in this house is frozen, but not on purpose).

Laura: If your refrigerator is causing you so much stress and unhappiness that it has risen to the top of the list of things you’d spend money on, then by all means, replace it if you can. Maybe you could think of it as a present to your husband. Then you’d get the psychological benefit of having spent the money on someone else. But you’d still get your fridge.

Q: I’ve found, over the years, that I don’t always feel good about giving. For instance, when organizations put me on a spam list and beg and beg for the money until they wear me down and get me to write a check mostly just so they will go away, I don’t feel good. When people come to my door and stand and stare at me until I feel guilty and write them a check, I don’t feel good. In these situations, I feel coerced. Okay, no, I feel robbed. How does someone who values generosity find a way to give without feeling negative about it?

Laura: I agree that coerced giving doesn’t feel good. It’s important to give mindfully. So have a strategy ahead of time. Think through the causes that matter to you, and identify an organization you support where you can also volunteer. Give generously there. Then tell everyone else, honestly, that you’ve already made your charitable commitments.

To learn more about All the Money in the World, check out Laura’s website.

Speaking of giving, I forgot to award a Reader of the Month for February. So, what I’d like to do, is hand out a few awards for people who comment on this post. There will be three prizes: three $50 Visa gift cards. Two of these are gifts to you from Rental Car Choices. One is a gift to you from my checking account. When you comment, tell me: Do you think money can lead to happiness? What would you do with a billion dollars? Or what would you do with $50? Do you believe that experiences provide more happiness than things? How do you find ways to be generous without feeling coerced? I’ll pick th4e winners by random drawing next Thursday March 8. REMEMBER: To comment, click through to the post on the Internet and scroll down to the comments area. Just replying to the post-by-email goes straight to me, not to the site.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

What To Do When You Are Surrounded By Ingrates

admin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:26:44 +0000

A reader recently told me that, on my advice, she decided to take the trash to the curb one night. It was a job her husband usually did, but she decided to do it for him as a gift.

Problem was that he didn’t thank her or acknowledge what she’d done in any way.

She’s not the only reader who has been met with complete ingratitude for her gestures of generosity. Readers tell me that they make an effort to compliment their spouses, but never hear anything nice in return. Some apologize but are never forgiven. Others have written to tell me that they have hand knit beautiful sweaters for others who never wore them. And I’m sure most of us, myself included, have generously offered advice to many who told us where we could shove it.

It could easily lead you to wonder why so many people are so dang ungrateful.

I used to wonder that myself, especially about my husband. But then I started turning it around in my mind. Whenever I was irritated with someone who I thought of as ungrateful, I reminded myself of all of the times I was annoyed because someone who was trying to help me.

For instance, I remember feeling really ticked off at my first therapist. Looking back on it, she offered me advice that still helps me to this day. At the time, however, she angered me, probably because she was too dang insightful and I didn’t want to admit she was right.

And I know I’ve snapped at my husband whenever he’s attempted to get me to a destination more quickly by suggesting I drive an alternate route.

I also know that, when my marriage was bad, I rolled my eyes whenever my mother lectured me about my marriage being bad. (Sorry, Mom, you were right. I know that now).

And I’ve also rolled my eyes on more than one occasion when my husband has made sure to tell me, “Did you see? I emptied the dishwasher!”

Yes, I’ve been ungrateful.

I don’t bring all of these instances to mind just to beat myself up and make myself feel bad. No, I do it to remind myself that being ungrateful is part of the human condition. Once I can do that, then I can get at a deeper question. It’s this, “Why is it so important for me to want to feel acknowledged, thanked and appreciated?”

After all, if I am truly being generous and selfless, then I shouldn’t expect anything in return. I mean, sure, it’d be nice if I could actually help everyone I tried to help. In reality, however, it’s inevitable that some people, including my husband, won’t get me, won’t want to listen to me, won’t appreciate my efforts, won’t notice the gift I’ve placed before them, or won’t cheer up just because I told them to cheer up. Some might even take my offer the wrong way and somehow feel hurt or angered. They might find my gift annoying.

It goes on.

That’s the nature of things. In the end, the only part I can control is my intention. I can’t control how others receive it. I try to give – material items, help, advice, my ear, love, favors, compliments—with a pure mind and a loving intention.

Then I try to let go of what happens after that.

I’m still working on it, of course. Sometimes when I give and I am met with a positive result, I’m elated. That tells me I’m still attached to the outcome.

Other times I give and I am met with a negative result. Then I’m disappointed. Or I might get angry. That also tells me that I’m still attached.

Still other times, I am met with a negative result and I start laughing and can’t stop. I’m not sure what that tells me.

At any rate, it’s all a learning experience, one that, I believe, continually helps me to become a stronger, happier person.

What do you think?

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.